Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize