i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
