If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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