i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize