I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
