it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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