i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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