Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize