Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
We talked him into tasing himself.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
