Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
