She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
