ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
