The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Randomize
