cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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