Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
