Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
