and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
