if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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