Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
