how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
