just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
