the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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