He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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