Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
