I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
