Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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