he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
