Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
