I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
