Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I will die if light touches me.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
