i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
