he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize