So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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