Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
