I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
