I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
