the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
