my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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