what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
