Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize