I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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