I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
