It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
