I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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