When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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