Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You ruined the universe
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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