so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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