What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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