What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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