I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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