On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
