The maid of honor just puked.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
