My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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