I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
