:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
