why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
