i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
