The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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