I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
